Saturday December 02 2006
Now that he has parked that famous Schuberth helmet, Michael's thoughts have turned to his new role at Ferrari and the new car that will bear his name.
Hello tifosis.
I am not sure if I am allowed to call you this as I have no longer a drive for the Scuderia, but I hope that deep in your hearts, a place for your Schum, you are still keeping.
It has been quite a time over the last two months and it does not really feel like I have retired. Perhaps I have become a little of the lazy beast in the gym now - instead of doing 200 sit-ups before breakfast, I only fulfil 175.
I also had a pint of lager the other day.
Ralf always used to joke with me that I was the only bloke (he picked this 'bloke' term up when he was at Jordan, it means man with mannish tendencies) who could get drunk on half a pint of lager. Obviously I never tried while I was in my racing career. Now I have proved this is not true. I had a whole 500cl and was only mildly slurring my words.
Of course the person who is happiest is Lieblings Pudgie Wudgie Donut Face - it is like all her Christmases have come together at once. It is like she cannot keep the smile off her face to have me back at home for good. When Willi saw her he joked with me, "It's like she has discovered tantric sex."
I responded to him that it was not true, because I have made a habit of doing things very quickly in my career. If she is not unwrapping the post-sex Ferrero Rocher inside of ten minutes then I consider myself a complete failure. Once I even managed it inside the lap time for Suzuka. And without a parade lap.
As you all know by now - my new job is "special assistant" to the Ferrari CEO Jean Todt. I don't really know what a "special assistant" does. Maybe if the CEO has "special needs" then the "special assistant" helps him. Quite honestly Willi was not in favour of me taking this role. He said it sounds like a joke position that company bosses give to their wives to keep them on the payroll.
I am happier about it now that Mika looks like doing something similar or the same at McLaren.
I still get to play around with all the cars at Maranello, and, keep it tucked under your hats, but there will be a special new Ferrari in 2009. We have had the Ferrari Dino, the Ferrari Enzo and soon we will have the Ferrari Schumi.
Someone said to make the series consistent, it should be the Ferrari Schumo, but that sounds too much like one of those fat Japanese wrestlers in a nappy. Certainly this car will be better than the Fiat Stylo Schumacher, which was like putting my name to a fridge.
When it comes out I am expecting all the old jokes to appear - will it suddenly swerve into people, is it going to jam on its brakes halfway through a corner to unsettle other drivers. Ha ha ha. I do not mind. There are no great cars named after other F1 stars. We don't have an Alfa Romeo Fangio, a Renault Alonso or a BMW Lauda - or even a Reliant Mansell (thank you Ross, I don't know what that means but I'm sure it is funny).
This football season, with no worries of serious injuries, I can commit properly to FC Echichens in their bid for mid-table respectability. It hurts very much only to play for the second team, but I understand that I have to work hard for my place and that owning half of Switzerland is not enough to get you into the first team.
I will also be planning more charity football matches, more acting roles and commentating on a new TV reality show. It features an F1 driver who is dropped into a crowd of southern roughnecks, hillbillies and dodgy car mechanics and has to fight his way out by racing against them in clapped out old junkheaps. It stars Juan-Pablo Montoya, and is called "I'm an F1 Driver - Get Me Out Of Here!" Some people are calling it NASCAR but I think the first title is correct.
Have lots of festive cheers my undyingly faithful tifosis - don't forget, I am still a "Special Ass" to Jean Todt and will see you some time soon.
The Schum
Moet wel zeggen dat ik om dit stukje kan lachen, ondanks ik niet fan van hem zeit
P.s Fish, eerst even tot 10 tellen
